French Funerals

[Antonia]

Hi all,
A former neighbour of mine has just died and the cremation is on Friday with a church mass next week. Can anyone give me some idea as to what to expect at both. It will be my first time attending a French funeral and I don't want to unwittingly offend in any way.

[curtis]

There may well be a book at the church and/or the crematorium where you can note your condolences.

[niemeyjt]

Crematorium - at least in Limoges - is very much up to the family as to what happens - music / prayer / eulogy - there is no format, no priest. A member of the funeral director staff may be on hand to assist. So hard to say what to expect.

As Curtis says, somewhere there is a book of condolences - and there may be a collection for a favoured cause.

[L Austin France]

The cremation shouldn't be any problem as the crematorium has a timetable to keep to & gets through 'em at a rate of knots.
The mass will be different 'cos if the deceased is popular & you want a seat you'd better get to church early to claim one. I always make sure my latest book is syncronised with my phone so I've got something to do in the interminable wait before the show starts.
After that, if it's anything like our local church where I've been present for lots of locals I've known, they'll be a woman screeching out some unintelligible hymn followed by eulogies, prayers & more hymns with the inevitable collection for the church coffers. Don't forget to take some loose change.
The worst bit, if there's been no cremation before & the deceased is present, is the obligatory queue for the coffin at the shows end, with the close relatives in the front row looking on, to pay one's last respects by shaking holy water at him/her which, being an atheist, I always pass on & merely pat the coffin with a "see you later mate" if it contains someone I liked & respected.
All in all they're very informal, formal occasions where folk wear what they fancy & not the sombre gear you see in UK funerals.
Don't worry about offending anyone, all attendies will have there own reasons for being there & won't worry about you. Just follow the crowd & you can't go wrong.

[Headers]

All the church funerals I’ve been to entail waiting outside for the coffin to be carried in.
People are not overly concerned about what people are wearing. They do note WHO is there.
I’ve been to one crematorium service. There was a celebrant. No one really knew what was happening but it was really quite nice.

[L Austin France]

All the church funerals I’ve been to entail waiting outside for the coffin to be carried in.

Blimey!
If that happened in our village there'd be a stampede for seats once the deceased was intalled in front of the alter.
Sort of like a funereal pass the parcel scramble.

[MAD87]

I've only been to one here (Limoges crem), an incredibly dreary event. LAF's advice is spot on, including the screechy church "singer(s)".
As an aside, the more memorable funeral I've been to was for a cousin in Dublin - after a mad dash from Limoges, I arrived in the midst of a 3-day wake (extended for 24 hrs to enable me to get there). Open coffin (!), booze and cousins everywhere. The mass was long, but filled with live music and little traditions that I'd known nothing about.

[Liz]

Always sign the book of "condoleances", the family will nose through it to see who turned up!
Later you normally get a printed 'thank you for coming' card in the post, done by the funeral directors.
If you are not a believer you do not have to go to the mass, you can just turn up at the door, shake hands (sign book if not done at the crem) and drift away. I've even seen a full set of pall bearers deliver a coffin to the altar then walk out of the church, coming back in only to collect the box again to take it to the grave.

[Blaze]

The worst bit, if there's been no cremation before & the deceased is present, is the obligatory queue for the coffin at the shows end, with the close relatives in the front row looking on, to pay one's last respects by shaking holy water at him/her which, being an atheist, I always pass on & merely pat the coffin with a "see you later mate" if it contains someone I liked & respected.

Spot on LAF.
The first time I saw the holy water thing, I hadn't a clue what was expected, so I threw a vague cross. I agree about patting the coffin - it always seem the right thing to do. I've also hugged members of the family in the front row, which goes down well too.

Oh but that dreary singing - none of the wonderful tunes we had in the UK. It doesn't matter whether you're a believer or not, music makes such a difference.
I'm not an RC but don't have a problem going to the service, particularly if I know the family well. One of our neighbours died when we lived in 49, he was very well-liked and the congregation was from all walks of life. The service started with a chorus of trompes de chasse which was wonderful. Halfway through the service there was a power-cut so the candles were lit. The church was packed and everyone went to the graveside for the burial.

It doesn't matter what you do or what you wear, whether you believe or not, it's simply being there that means so much to the families.

[Antonia]

Well I failed that test miserably. I've been keeping an eye on the local paper for an official announcement (knowing the cremation is tomorrow). Not seeing anything I walked round to the neighbour (who had told me the guy had died) to be told the mass was today and I had missed it . They hadn't gone ( it wasn't their thing ) and they weren't sure whether or not the cremation tomorrow was private or not. Apparently there is a book of condolences around somewhere but he wasn't well liked so I reckon the family have decided to make the whole thing as low key as possible. My neighbour has already signed it on all our behalves.
I think I'm going to forget about tomorrow and wait for the next one.